When Family Became Unfamiliar

Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development reminds us that the family plays a crucial role in shaping a child’s sense of trust, identity, and belonging. But as we learn more about the recent Zamboanga and Tacloban school shootings, I find myself questioning whether that foundation is beginning to crumble. If the family is truly the bedrock upon which society stands, what should the institutions that depend on it do to help rebuild it—and allow us to recognize the family not as a broken institution, but as one worth restoring?

Erikson pointed out in his book Childhood and Society that children’s development begins with socialization and interaction with the world guided by their parents. However, what if the parents themselves are complacent, making this development much harder to navigate?

Two Tacloban students terrorized San Jose National High School and killed three fellow learners, according to Philippine National Police (PNP) Public Information Chief Col. Allen Rae Co on June 22. Not even two months later, a Grade 9 student from Ateneo de Zamboanga shot a fellow student and later died by suicide, as reported by the university itself on August 18. In both cases, questions about the students’ access to firearms led, at least in part, back to their family environments.

One of the Tacloban shooters was able to obtain a firearm belonging to his aunt, a Police Staff Sergeant, who later testified in a Senate inquiry that she had brought him to a firing range and taught him how to shoot. In the Zamboanga incident, early reports from Bureau of Customs (BOC) Deputy Commissioner for Enforcement Group Nolasco Bathan told reporters that one firearm was a government-issued weapon connected to the father of the suspect, while the other was the father’s personal firearm.

In both cases, we must question why an aunt would teach her nephew to fire a gun in the first place. We must question why an officer of the law would not make obtaining his or her gun harder for a child. The main reason why parents and older family members are treated with respect is that they can teach these kids how to interact with the world—not destroy it.

While we cannot know for sure the family situation of these students, we can look at the greater trends that affect how the youth interact with their parents.

There is evidence that suggests Filipino families are becoming more separated due to a variety of factors—legal separation, work schedules, and, more commonly, social media taking on the role of a second parent in raising the new generation. This is not to say that these issues directly correlate to the shootings; rather, they show the vulnerability of Filipino families in our times.

According to the Philippine Statistics Authority (PSA), there were 1.6 million cases of annulment and separation in 2020. While this does not automatically mean that the children of these couples are not being properly cared for, it does indicate a significant number of Filipino families experiencing marital breakdown.

Furthermore, according to Innovations for Poverty Action (IPA), 10 to 27 percent of Filipino children experience parental absence because of overseas work. This shows that not all young people are blessed with both a mother and father who are physically present to support them.

Behind both of these statistics are children not coming home to both of their parents. While this does not automatically suggest that they would have problems going forward, it might make them question their stability and belonging within the family.

And it is not just parental absence. We must also question whether the unrestricted use of social media could be affecting how parents raise their children. According to the Department of Education (DepEd), approximately 22 million Filipino students use social media.

Furthermore, according to the PSA, 93.72% of Filipino internet users aged 13 had a social-media account, while the figure was 87.64% among 12-year-olds. An earlier national survey also reported that 97% of 16-17-year-olds used social media at least weekly. As one of those students, I have seen that social media is not always “PG-13.” These kids could be looking at pornography, graphic violence, or radical ideologies, and the parents are, at times, none the wiser.

Parents—whether because of circumstances beyond their control or because they are still adjusting to new threats—need support in protecting their children from dangerous people, behaviors, and ideas.

While these issues—broken families, parental absence, and social media use—are the responsibility of parents, it is hard to demand accountability from an already struggling institution. You can’t teach someone how to swim while they’re still drowning.

This is where the government, if done through the right process, could create a designated agency for setting standards, gathering data, and coordinating policies that strengthen the Filipino family—not to replace parents, but to help them fulfill their responsibilities.

This is what the National Coalition for the Family and the Constitution (NCFC) proposes through its Family Mainstreaming Law. The law would allocate a budget for researching how particular laws affect Filipino families, strengthen legal and social support systems for marriage, parents as primary educators, and vulnerable children or elderly relatives, and perhaps its boldest initiative would be creating the National Commission for the Filipino Family, which would coordinate family-centered programs across the government.

The proposal reflects one of the NCFC’s central principles: that the family should be strengthened and empowered, particularly through the protection of parental rights. Former Chief Justice Maria Lourdes Sereno, a prominent figure in the coalition, has likewise been involved in its advocacy for family-centered policymaking.

“This law [Family Mainstreaming Law] will push the government to find the best environment for families,” she said in her interview with Jerika Ejercito.

However, action must also take place at the local level. The United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) Philippines recommends that local governments involve barangay officers, community leaders, and churches in child-protection awareness campaigns, recognizing faith-based organizations as potential partners in community programs. Local Government Units (LGUs) can therefore strengthen ties with local churches to teach young people the value of human dignity, create communities that prioritize safety, and organize regular family-centered seminars and workshops where families and communities can become positive influences on the next generation.

Also, since this issue involves understanding child development and psychology, we should recognize that not every Filipino household is educated on therapy and mental health. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), there are only about 0.03 child/adolescent psychiatrists per 100,000 population—roughly 1 for every 3.3 million people. That is drastically low compared to other upper-middle-income countries with a median of 0.31 per 100,000.

This is significant because without enough mental health support for adolescents, we risk raising a generation that cannot grasp their own minds, let alone their social environments.

LGUs must provide sufficient facilities, programs, and seminars for families in their communities to promote mental health awareness. While this will not ensure fewer school shootings or less violence as a whole, it will have a large effect on the development of our fellow students, especially in terms of finding their place in society.

Because let us be clear: a healthier community that values the family, educates it on complex topics, and guides it into becoming more sustainable can make a difference in a child's development. No child is born to be a murderer—a family that is apathetic, a community that neglects people as soon as they go inside the house, and parents who are clueless about mental health issues cannot be helpful in shaping the new generation’s morality, decision-making, and actions.

We could never know if these solutions would’ve prevented the recent shooting incidents. But before we even rally against video games, social media, or the new generation, we must question the institutions that are building them—primarily the family.

When the community actually acts as one, children may be more willing to look away from Discord and engage with the society they live in. Social detachment, mental health issues, and misunderstanding of life can take root when young people view the world through the lenses of anonymous people who can say whatever they want without social consequences.

While we should definitely question these particular parents and adults in the tragic school shootings, we must also reflect on why the institution of the family is struggling in the first place. It is the responsibility of the higher institutions to aid the household—not to rid parents of the responsibility and right to raise their children but to make sure families get access to methods and resources that one simply cannot learn in a day.

If Erikson could see now what has become of our family structure, will he still recognize it under all the rubble? We don't know, but maybe he would also remind us that development does not happen in isolation. A child learns trust before they learn distrust, belonging before alienation, and responsibility before independence—and the first people entrusted with those lessons are still the parents.

The government cannot love a child in a parent’s place. No law can replace a parent who chooses to be present. Yet struggling families should not be left to carry the weight alone. Let institutions lend their strength without stealing the family’s duty—for, after all, it takes a village to raise a child.

The family, then, is not something we should abandon simply because it has been damaged. It is something we must restore—one parent, one community, and one child at a time.

Perhaps that is what Erikson might recognize after all: not a perfect family, but a family still capable of becoming one.

And perhaps, when we finally choose to rebuild it, the family will no longer feel unfamiliar.

This is me delving into hot water.