I Met My Younger Self Today

The sky was shrouded in dark clouds today, mirroring the tears I felt inside. I met my younger self in a coffee shop. It was her favorite coffee shop. She was wearing a blue ID lace, a uniform, black shoes, and a small black bag. I saw how chaotic her table was because of her reviewers, yet orderly. She sipped a Spanish latte, buried in exam notes, alone by choice—to focus. It seems that she wants to perfect her exam again.

There’s nothing new; she always aims for perfection.

I sat across from her, and I scanned the coffee shop. It’s been a long time since I came here; it’s still warm—but it feels so different to be here again. And then I looked at her. I don't even know what to say, I am afraid and nervous. Still, l gathered all my courage. I said hello, but she didn't look up, she was too focused.

I sighed and told her that she wasn't in her prime anymore. She stopped reading her notes and asked me why with curiosity on her face. Her question hit me like a wave. It was so deep, it silenced me completely.

The silence in the room was deafening. I didn't respond immediately. I know that it will take many hours for me to say everything I want to say. The only words that came from my mouth were, "I'm sorry."

I paused before I spoke again. I told her to enjoy all the things she has now. She's with high honors—aiming for highest honors, teachers’ favorite, class president, and student leader. She's the most competitive person that I know, she will do anything to achieve all her dreams. I cannot look at her the same way she can look at me. Because honestly, I cannot recognize myself in her. The weight of being a failure drowned me, to the point that I cannot look back at all the things I've had before.

I tried to save myself many times from drowning, but I can't save myself. Unless someone saves me—but no, no one did. The only person I have at the end of the day is myself and my younger self, who's rooting for me to achieve all the things we dreamed of. I promised her that I would bring back the version of her and the spark that I'd lost along the way.

She nodded and said, "I trust you." I know how flabbergasted she was, she never expected it nor imagined it.

She said she needed to leave to avoid being late. Before she left, I said that I wanted to meet her at this coffee shop again someday. Without the exams that are waiting for her—without rush. I hope it is just us, so I can tell her everything I want to say today. I will make sure that once we meet again, I will return with a smile on my face—a sign that I returned with my spark.